home, sweet home
I am back home now, sleeping in my own bed. It’s a great feeling. They released me from Vandy on Saturday evening. The Dr said that if they were to keep me there until I was feeling 100% better that I would probably be there all next week. Since my oxygen levels and lung functions were pretty stable, they felt like it was safe for me to be at home, with the understanding that I am not to do much of anything at all for the next week. I was a little shocked and horrified at that statement. One more week out of work and school… one more week of boredom and restlessness. I tried to negotiate something with them, but I guess Vandy Docs are supposed to know what they are doing. They are pretty smart like that.
So I’m regaining some strength slowly, not needing to depend on my breathing treatments quite as often, staying on all of my gross meds that make me feel unhuman. I tried to do some stuff around here yesterday. I washed the two sinkfuls of dishes and started tackling the huge laundry basket full of towels that seems to be ever present. I think I tried to do too much, but maybe it was good for me. I feel so restless and stir crazy.
I am also having a lot of anxiety. I know the meds do this to me, and I am somewhat anxious on any given day, but this feels a little more than usual. A lot of it is from trying to figure out the practical things in life. How in the world am I going to pay my bills after being out of work for 2 weeks?? What can I do to prevent another bad flareup like this so this never happens again? There are just so many things I’m going to have to figure out.
So, if anyone has any suggestions on anything at all, let me know! I can definitely use all of the mental assistance I can get! Anyone need any photos done so I can buy some groceries? 🙂
It’s all downhill from here
I’m starting to feel like a person again. These meds do weird things to me, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I’ll be glad when I can stop taking them all together.
I don’t have much to write about, I just wanted to make a post for the sake of consistency. My weekend was uneventful. I did get to spend some time with Melinda and Alexander on Saturday, so it was nice to see them. I hadn’t seen them since before the holidays. I watched a handful of movies over the weekend, which I may do some reviews on. I wasn’t impressed with any of them. There seems to be a lull in good movies these days. Anyone know of any decent ones? Thank goodness the redbox is only $1 a day
This week I’ve really got to push myself to get in all of my hours at work. My bank account is just now feeling the effects of me being out sick around the holidays, then off for two weeks when the office was closed. I have to be uber-careful about my spending until I can get back on my feet.
I have two Dr appointments this week. I’m glad about that, just to be able to have peace of mind. This whole asthma attack thing really shook me. I’m going to see a pulinologist, as well as my regular Dr, so maybe we can get some sort of management going.
One thing I do know, I’m not going to sit here and let this limit my life as much as it has been. This is for the birds. I’ve got to really take a hard look at my health, as whole, and determine how to start tackling the things that keep me in this state.
In other news, I’ll be doing another “Experiencing Nashville” review soon. I’d still love to hear any suggestions from the peanut gallery out there. I have some things in mind, but it’s been way too cold to get out and take photos lately.
That’s all I’ve got for now. I need to head into work and get lesson plans done for the week. It’s Monday, yet again.
Until next time…
“guess I’ll die another day”
Ok, so the title is meant to be a small example of my, somewhat morbid, humor. I had sort of a close call today. This morning, I woke up as usual, but within minutes, I was having a serious asthma attack. Usually an attack warrants only a dose of albuterol on my trusty nebulizer, but this was different. Without any warning, I suddenly could move no air at all through my bronchial tubes. I tried to start a breathing treatment to no avail. After a few minutes, I stumbled across the room to my door. Thankfully my roomate was still getting ready in the bathroom, just about to leave for work. I mouthed to her that I could not breathe, and she immediately called 911.
You know how they always say that your life flashes before your eyes? It’s sort of true. In a strange, almost out-of-body, experience, I was remembering my life, and whether or not I made it count. I also saw the faces of all the people I care about…the ones I would be sad to leave if it really came to that. For several horrible minutes, I had contemplated the real possibility that the next, very short breath, may be my last. Let me tell you, that is quite a sobering fact.
I’ve had asthma all my life. I was diagnosed with it when I was just a baby. In my 27 years on earth, I have had several close calls, all equally terrifying, yet eye-opening.
By the time the paramedics got there, I felt like I may be on the verge of losing consciousness. I was shaky, thanks to the adrenaline that rushes through the human body in these types of cases, but it also seemed to help move just enough of the necessary oxygen.
After what seemed like hours, but in reality was only a few minutes, I had regained enough of the ability to be able to walk on my own, and make my way to the ambulance waiting outside my front door. Once in the ambulance, the drama was over. It’s amazing what that medicine in the IV can do. I immediately felt the effects, and my chest released its grip, allowing me to breath freely again. I would definitely prefer the ambulance ride any day, if for no other reason than to feel some relief more quickly than having to bear a ride to the hospital.
So, that was the adventure of my morning. Another perk of the ambulance ride, is that they immediately take you in and get you in an ER room. I was hooked up to more wires and tubes, given a 2 hour long, intensive breathing treatment, and was feeling good as new. Actually, I kept joking with the doctors that this was the best I have really felt in a while. Maybe I should’ve come in sooner to get the magic juice pumped into my veins.
The docs were suggesting that I stay overnight, but I convinced them otherwise. I know, I know. But this isn’t the first time I’ve had to go through this process. I would much rather be in my own bed, taking breathing treatments of the same medicine that I would be taking at Vanderbilt.
I’m on a hefty dose of some steroids for the next week or so (and I don’t even mind the mood swings, brain fog, fatigue, and puffiness that comes along with it). I think I can handle that.
I’m realizing more and more just how much progress that needs to be done, in all facets of life. Life has a lot of potential. I just have to figure out how to get there.One step at a time…
Going back in time
Like so many other people around the world, I am visiting my family for the holidays. They live in a tiny little mountain town in north Georgia. I actually grew up in Atlanta, but we moved farther north at the end of my 7th grade year (what an awful time for any kind of life transition! Junior High years are hard enough as it is!)
Is it just me, or does everyone seemingly go back in time when they are around family for an extended period of time? Suddenly, I feel like I’m 14 again. All of our silly little neuroses that are endearing and amusing when simply experienced from afar make me want to find the nearest heavy object to bash into my head repeatedly. The nagging and excessive worry on my behalf nearly sends me over the edge on a regular basis. I guess I just don’t know any other way.
I’m the first to admit that I have really grown up a lot over the past several years. It has taken a really intentional effort to take some small steps in, well, any direction really. It’s not a pleasant experience to be stunted in any sort of way.
So, imagine my horror when all of the steps I’ve taken go out the window, with only the utterance of a single word. It’s not necessarily the word that brings out my inner adolescent, but the tone and underlying unspokens that go along with it.
Dang, it sure takes a lot to grow up. I’m still learning, and still messing up. But, I guess any progress at all is a good sign, indeed. Though still, it makes it really obvious to me just how much I need the one and only One that’s bigger than myself and my situation. That repeated realization can only be a good thing.
I guess it’s time
First of all… there are some new photos to check out. I did my first pet photoshoot with my cousins’ dogs. Surprising enough, there are some really cute ones. I didn’t think the dogs sat still long enough to get anything at all, but they sure were cute in their little Christmas outfits. Take a look:
You can see larger images at http://www.flickr.com/photos/sallykent2006/
Ok, so it’s been a while since I’ve updated this here blog. I am back from my Thanksgiving trip to the north GA mountains. It was the first time since I’ve lived in Nashville (almost 9 years!?) that my parents haven’t come to Nashville for Thanksgiving. I guess it sort of became a tradition without us really meaning for it to. At first my mom was so anxious and worried about me traveling alone that she didn’t want me to make the drive for both Thanksgiving and Christmas. That was the compromise we came up with.
I am so thankful for so many things that I can hardly put it into words. If I start, then I might not stop. I am constantly astonished and amazed at the good things I have been given in life that I don’t at all deserve.
I think that is what makes me hold back when I am having to face such contradicting emotions. The past couple of years have been difficult, just because of having to watch my mom’s health decline. It is something none of us were prepared for. Yet, still I am so thankful that there are people, and skilled doctors, and believers out there that have had the wisdom and knowledge, and energy to do things when I have not.
So, all of that to say… even when I don’t have the energy to give thanks, I am thankful. If you are out there, and you are a part of my life in any way, know that you are on the list of things I am thankful for.
when things aren’t what they seem
Let’s face it… we all jump to conclusions. It’s really easy to interpret something totally backwards, and opposite of how it was intended. Quite often people miscommunicate because they act too quickly on what they think someone meant by what was said.
I just watched a movie called The Reaping. I was skeptical, and it didn’t blow me away. The plot had me intrigued when I read it in Blockbuster. It is about a girl (Hilary Swank) who works at scientifically explaining different myths. She works to find the logic and reasonable explanations to what some think are unexplained miracles. Then suddenly, there are plagues that overtake a small town, and she goes to investigate. Everyone is blaming a young girl for bringing the plagues to their home, and some sort of witch hunt ensues.
Over the course of the movie, I went from mildly interested, to bored and unconvinced. But, as the story continued to go on my interest got the best of me. I watched as the truth about the girl was revealed, and what that really meant for the small town she called home.
Things are rarely as they seem. I always try to remember that, but it’s way too easy to jump to conclusions. It leaves me again realizing my need of a God with infinite wisdom to snap me back into that reality.
So I’m learning to give things a chance. It takes a conscious effort to take a step back when I feel my mind jumping ahead of my heart. It’s something I need to remember to do more often.
I’m also learning that I’m a big fan of Hilary Swank!
Accepting the Norm
Magically, overnight we gained an hour of sleep. To me, this is the official beginning of fall. The nights are longer. The days are cooler. The colors are finally starting to peek through the green that is holding on for dear life. You could even say that it’s the beginning of the holiday season. It seems like the last couple of months of the year really fly by. Christmas decorations are being strung at Opryland Hotel.
The idea of longer periods of darkness makes me want to curl up in bed with a book or a movie. There is something comforting about being able to turn in a little earlier without seeming like a recluse.
I read that Benjamin Franklin is actually who proposed the idea of daylight savings time. Originally, it was a way to cut down on the cost of candles. In the grand scheme of things, that really wasn’t such a long time ago. It was in our not so distant history that people just went on about their lives, without even having to remember to press a button in order to make it to church on time the next morning. (Strangely enough, Arizonians throw caution to the wind and merely depend on standard time throughout the entire year.)
This made me wonder how many relatively newer concepts do we now accept as “normal”. If you think about it, there really is no such thing. Things can only be as normal or abnormal as what you compare it to. There are things that have become the standard over time, but even those were novel ideas at some point.
I’m an inquisitive individual. That often gets me into trouble, but I refuse to just accept something as truth just because someone thinks it’s a good idea. (Blessing or a curse? I haven’t figured that out yet. It depends on the day you ask)
So, here’s to both the normal and the abnormal… and the novel ideas that are yet to come. Someday your very own strange idea could be the new standard of normal.
hanging on
Every now and then I get the urge to be someone really cool; Someone who isn’t me. I want to completely reinvent myself, tossing aside anything that makes me who I am and completely starting from scratch. I have these grandiose ideas in my head of the person I’d like to be. I even begin to make some sort of game plan to make each thought become reality.
Life has a way of making me want to check out every now and then. Sometimes I just want to crawl away and hide for an extended period of time, peeking out occasionally just to check and see if the coast is clear. I don’t know what it is I’m hiding from, but I know it’s scary. It threatens the light that lies deep in my soul.
I know that these periods will pass. All I can do is brace myself and hold on tight until the worst is over and I can resume being myself again.
how much is enough?
In my line of work, I’m constantly around people that need help. More specifically, I’m constantly around people that come to me for help. More often than not, I feel pretty inadequate in my ability to give them what they need. It’s quite a helpless feeling. The things is, I’m not sure that they really know what it is they need exactly. They just know that something has to change.
How many of us are in that same boat? I know I am. I’m not necessarily looking for a right answer, I just need someone to help me get started. More than anything, it helps to know that I’m not alone.
I rarely have any answers, for myself or anyone else. I’m not sure life works that way. Strangely, I’m noticing that the less I feel responsibility to “do” something, the more helpful I can actually be.
Sometimes its not in having the right answer. As a matter of fact, there rarely is an answer. Everything is a process. What people really want is someone to be with them to walk through that process, or to help them take the very first step that may seem so daunting.
I think if we can get away from feeling such a need to have the right answer, only then can we really get down to what it’s all truly about.
the person I’m not
I’ve come to realize that the reasons I love fall are plentiful. I love the welcomed change that the season brings. I love the chill in the air, and the crunch of the leaves underneath your feet. I love the colors that surround you as the leaves change. And even though I am not a big fan of the dark (just ask my roomates! I don’t like going out at night) something about the darkness creeping in a little earlier is comforting. It almost helps me unwind for the night a little easier. It inspires me to light my candles and enjoy a book and a glass of wine by the soft glow of the flickering flames.
Halloween is also something I’ve always looked forward to. I know there are so many thoughts on this holiday, but I’m not sure it is appreciate as much as it should be.
Last night I went to Ghouls at Grassmere with my buddy, Alexander, his mom Melinda, and one of their little neighbors, Thomas. There were mini ghouls and goblins walking around everywhere. There were bonfires, and hayrides, and plenty of walking. I have sore feet to prove it and can barely walk today. And who can forget about the candy so plentiful that each and every child was having a sugar induced manic episode.
But I think my favorite part of all was that I got to pretend to be someone I’m not. As an adult, I’ve never really been into dressing up. But over the past few years I’ve gotten used to the idea that it might not be so bad after all. Last night I transformed myself into a punk rocker. Anyone who knows me knows how “normal” I am (and by normal, I mean boring and bland). I am admittedly the least hip person in the world, and I’m ok with that. I prefer my jeans and collared shirt pretty much every day of the week, as long as I can change back into my lounge pants and tshirt as soon as I get back home. But last night I really went all out: Pink and black hair, fake lip/nose piercings, tattoo sleeves, heavy black eyeliner and lipstick. I sort of freaked myself out. But I was so surprised at how much I was able to let my guard down. It’s something I don’t realize is so prevalent in my life until it subsides for a little while. I got some weird looks from people trying to figure out if my piercings were real. I had a couple of people come up and look at my tattoos in awe, only to realize they were fake. For a brief moment of my life, I was part of the edgy crowd. If I had run across anyone I knew, they probably would have no idea who I was. But then, maybe I did run into people I knew, and didn’t recognize them either.
I do believe that is my favorite part of Halloween. For one day out of the year, we lose all of our ideas and pretenses. Our prejudices go out the window. It is a night we are able to just relax a little bit and have fun with the people we are around, whether we know them (or think we don’t know them) or not.
Every year I go trick or treating with Alexander. He and his parents are like my family. I’m usually around at various get togethers they have, and have gotten to know friends and neighbors of theirs. But, when I am out with a legion of masked people, it is hard to tell who I know, and who are just strangers in the mix. I’m forced to treat everyone as if I know them, just in case. Which, really I should do everyday anyway. I have to wonder if that’s really how it’s meant to be. The lines that divide us are faded out beneath the face paint and masks. It allows us all to really come together as one, without our differences being all we can see.
I do believe my new goal in life is to treat everyone as if they are wearing a clown mask. I’ll let you know how that goes.
Just Another Pilgrimage 